When unworldly student Anastasia Steele first encountered the driven and dazzling young entrepreneur Christian Grey it sparked a sensual affair that changed both of their lives irrevocably Shocked, intrigued, and, ultimately, repelled by Christian s singular erotic tastes, Ana demands a deeper commitment Determined to keep her, Christian agreesNow, Ana and Christian have it all love, passion, intimacy, wealth, and a world of possibilities for their future But Ana knows that loving her Fifty Shades will not be easy, and that being together will pose challenges that neither of them would anticipate Ana must somehow learn to share Christian s opulent lifestyle without sacrificing her own identity And Christian must overcome his compulsion to control as he wrestles with the demons of a tormented pastJust when it seems that their strength together will eclipse any obstacle, misfortune, malice, and fate conspire to make Ana s deepest fears turn to realityThis book is intended for mature audiences Relief Profound relief that I ve finally finished this book.441 pages.Dear God it was about 200 pages too long I swear, I thought it was never going to end On and on and on and onI just can t describe it And then, just when I thought it was overalong comes an Epilogue.Ana and Christian frolicking in a meadow with their son, while she pregnant with their daughter But it s not a short epilogue Oh no It comes complete with a Flashback Oh no Poor Ana had a scary labor and delivery But i Relief Profound relief that I ve finally finished this book.441 pages.Dear God it was about 200 pages too long I swear, I thought it was never going to end On and on and on and onI just can t describe it And then, just when I thought it was overalong comes an Epilogue.Ana and Christian frolicking in a meadow with their son, while she pregnant with their daughter But it s not a short epilogue Oh no It comes complete with a Flashback Oh no Poor Ana had a scary labor and delivery But it doesn t end thereCause where s the fun in that No, you get re read the first chapter of Fifty Shades of Greyfrom Christian s point of view.God I hate him I know everyone else luuuurves this guy, but shrieking and banging head against wall HE IS CRAZY Does nobody else notice this I get that he s had an awful childhood for the first 4 years of his life , but he is beyond wacky And Ana s reactions to his idiocy pissed me off even worse.He doesn t want her to drive a jet ski, because it s too dangerous Are you serious A fucking jet ski 10 year old kids drive jet skis Oh, but defiant Ana does it anyway.You go, girl Get your ass on that big scary jet ski Of course the entire time she s worried that she s made him mad Grrrrrrrr.Then, to add insult to injury, he agrees to let her drive after her initial unapproved ride And she wrecks Well, as much as you can wreck on a jet ski She basically falls offin the water And yet, you would think she hit a wall at 90 miles an hour, for all of the blubbering and scowling Christian does.HE IS CRAZY So, in other words, Christian was right Poor little Ana shouldn t have driven the incredibly dangerous jet ski.Arghhhhh And, naturally, Ana simpers and rushes to comfort the crazy bastard.It was like that for the entire book Ana, you deliberately disobeyed me, by leaving the house to have drinks with your friend simper, simper Oh, my poor, poor, Fifty He looks so angrymaybe this time I ve pushed him too far He looks so lost and childlike I guess that now would be a terrible time to tell him that I want to keep my maiden name at work He s just so scared I shouldn t do things to upset him My poor, dear, lost, Fifty In case you were wondering, she doesn t keep her maiden name at her job Nope Poor Fifty couldn t take the stress Everyone must know that you are mine, Ana BECAUSE YOU ARE CRAZY If the damn animal bites you, stop petting it, Ana I kept thinking I would reserve judgment of her reactions, because maybe the author was going to have her go into therapy at the end of the book.But she didn t No, apparently coddling a possessive stalker is the right way to deal with things Yep It s one big Happily Ever After for those two I especially enjoyed the visual of him flogging her while she was pregnant, and commenting on how much he would miss the taste of breast milk Ewwwwwwwwwwww Fifty Shades of Annoying the short list1 The high speed car chase 85 mph is not high speed unless you are over 85 2 Calling each other Mr and Mrs Grey It was cute on your wedding day After 400 plus pagesnot so cute.3 Come It s Christian s favorite word, and he must have said it 500 times If you haven t read the book, then you probably can t understand how much one word could grate on your nerves Come Ana, we must go.Come You must eat Come You must be tired.Come Follow my creepy ass to the bedroom.Come You cannot think for yourself.Come I will smirk and grin if you go with me.KA BOOSH my head explodes 4 The grody Mrs Robinson Nothing happens to her.At the very least Grace should have taken a hit on on her Sorry, but if I found out a family friend had screwed one of my teenagers Run, Bitch RunI was perversely delighted to find out that her ex husband had broken a few of her bones when he found out about he affair with Christian In fact, my inner goddess did a somersaultin her granny panties, thank you very much.5 The book is filled with dumb ass stuff like thisWhat do you want, Mrs Grey Blah, blah, blah I can feel him hard against my behind You And I you, my love, my life, retching noise in backgroundWho says pretentious shit like that I can t imagine any guy who still has his nuts spouting that crap.This book sucked I hated it.The End Welcome back, fellow masochists or those of you who simply wish to forgo the hassle of reading this crap and opt for my poignant reviews instead I wish I could say Fifty Shades Freed met my expectations, butwell, honestly, I don t know what the fuck that was I don t know how I feel I don t know what to think The only thing I know is that, usually after finishing a trilogy series, I m lost My brothers end up finding me curled up in a ball somewhere and they laugh and call me names, Welcome back, fellow masochists or those of you who simply wish to forgo the hassle of reading this crap and opt for my poignant reviews instead I wish I could say Fifty Shades Freed met my expectations, butwell, honestly, I don t know what the fuck that was I don t know how I feel I don t know what to think The only thing I know is that, usually after finishing a trilogy series, I m lost My brothers end up finding me curled up in a ball somewhere and they laugh and call me names, most of which are variations of emo douchebag because I m all like I can t help it If I ve invested enough of myself into a story to readthan one installment, it generally means I liked it or at least something about it That wasn t the case with the Fifty Shades trilogy I went into Fifty Shades of Grey knowing full well I would probably hate it, and I wasn t wrong In fact, I think I may have underestimated that book in terms of how thoroughly it would infuriate and disgust me I considered not bothering with the next two installments because I was certain it wouldn t get any better Look, I know there are those of you out there who think that it did get better, but I m not talking about the story I mean, I don t think that improved much, either, but the point I m trying to make is that E.L James is a terrible writer, technically and artistically As a photographer, I can tell you that sucking ass in both categories won t get you far Certain people will give you a certain amount of latitude one way or another, sure, but if your composition is badly placed, taken at the wrong time of day, crowded, confusing, and out of focus.well, you get it Needless to say, I wasn t even halfway through Fifty Shades Darker before I started getting bored, but I trudged on and it wasn t much different from any of the boredom I ve experienced before Then I started reading Fifty Shades Freed I can honestly say that I had no idea this kind of feeling was even possible I ve never had a book so thoroughly turn off my desire to read before Ever I would read a page here and there, then turn my Kindle off and get online There wouldn t be anything to do online, and I d sit at my desk thinking, Oh, I should really finish that book But then I d just keep surfing the internet To be honest, it was because every time I even thought about reaching for my Kindle, my brain did this Should we talk about what happened this time around OKHoneymoon Christian throwing a tantrum Ana s boobs get marked up in retaliation Drama, drama, drama, corn, some cheese, sex sex sex, lots of whining, Christian being clingy, Ana trying to assert her independence, blah blah blah It reads exactly like the other two books with its repetitive wording and infuriating platitudes, and because of this it suffers farthan the other two books I was tired of reading this shit The only thing that set this one apart was the utter weirdness of a few of the scenes Like Christian marking up Ana s titties after she goes topless on a beach in the south of France Yeah, it happens It s OK, though Ana gives him a pass because, emotionally, he s stuck in adolescence and this apparently gives him free reign to do as he likes with impunity She s angry at first, sure, but she forgives him Even after he has the balls to say, Well, you won t take your top off again The temerity of this character is astounding E.L James has managed to create one of the most blatantly antagonistic sociopaths I ve ever seen, yet women everywhere are gobbling it up like he s the best thing since the vibrator But nothing really happens in the first 90% of the book except a lot of emotional manipulation Ana and Christian play games with each other s emotions and genuinely seem to have absolutely no clue how to communicate with another human being It s apparently all good, though, because the sex makes up for any lack of connection they should have During one sex scene, Ana thinks, We still have this We ll always have this No No, you won t Your sex life may still be fulfilling after five, ten, or even fifteen years, but it won t be the same No, not at all And if you think for one second that sex can make up for the emotional connection and teamwork a marriage requires, you re going to be sorely disappointed Look I m all for fantasy, but I guess I like mine tinged with a littlereality than this Friendship is the foundation of any solid relationship and without it, you re just bumpin uglies until it gets boring Arguably the best thing to come out of this book was the fun I had discussing butt plugs with my sister in law Yes, there s a sex scene involving a butt plug, and yes, it s both hilarious and disturbing, if for nothing else but E.L James refusal to use the word ass Ana is always using the words behind and bottom to describe her other down there , and those words do not mesh well with the concept of an anal sex toy I m sorry, but hearing about how Christian inserted a butt plug into Ana s bottom made me both uncomfortable and highly amused Or when he inserted his finger into her behind No No As a child, you have a behind or a bottom, but once you hit about 14 or so, it s your butt or your ass Only occasionally can the other words be used in reference to an older individual and be gotten away with As amusing as all that was, however, it didn t hold a candle to the things that went on when they were finished engaging in anal play Just to be clear, I don t have anything against people who find pleasure in the anus If that s your thing, hey,power to ya So I don t have a problem with the sex scenes themselves However, when Christian fingered Ana s arsehole and then didn t wash his handsyeah, I was a little grossed out They re cuddling and everything afterward and on a constant loop in my head was, poopy finger, poopy finger, poopy finger.poopy.finger My sister in law said she was wondering if he was going to make her suck on it like he did every other time he jammed his digits into her nether regions But wait, there sAna asks Christian who cleans the toys this is after they ve used the aforementioned butt plug , and he informs her it s either him, a submissive, or Mrs Jones Mrs Jones, the hired help She s a maid and a cook, for pete s sake, not a wall washer at the local gentleman s club God Can you imagine taking a housekeeping job with some 27 year old douche canoe and all you re expecting is dusting, vacuuming, cooking, etc., and the next thing you know, he s handing you a bowl of used butt plugs Or maybe he s not even handing them to you, he just mentions that, hey, that mysterious almost always locked spare room could use a good cleaning and you walk in to discover not only that you ve stumbled into some kind of David Lynchian porn den, but you ve also been greeted by the smell of stale sex and ass And oh There s a bowl of dirty butt plugs on the sideboard Mr and Mrs Brady may have had their freaky naughty time, but I highly doubt they were crass enough to make Alice clean up after it So then Ana takes the butt plug yes, I m still on this and washes it off in the sink, then vaguely wonders if it needs to be sanitized somehow Well, Ana..I m thinking yes Yes, it should probably be subjected to some sort of sanitation process But that s just my opinion When you read scenes like that over the course of several books, it really comes as no surprise when you discover that Ana has missed several appointments with her gyno and apparently completely forgotten about her birth control shot You know where this is going Christian is going to fuh reeeaaak Christian, I m pregnant And at first, Christian s all like But then he s like Then he storms out and is never heard from again Ha I wish cause that would ve been the end of the story, and it would ve served Ana right for being such an idiot But alas, he returns and there s nothing to be done for it exceptmelodrama He comes home drunk and Ana finds out he saw the bitch troll pedophile again, and she feels betrayed, and yadda yadda So they fight, and this is the only time in any of the books that they actually have a raging screaming match, and yeah, it was about fucking time it happened, but even the fight is tainted by Ana s ridiculous assertions that if Christian touches her, he ll just get his way because her traitorous body will succumb to him Christian spends the entire book shutting Ana up with his penis So then the ending happens Something about Hyde kidnapping Christian s sister or some shit Ana saves the day Funny No, it really is cause the girl s dumb Well, when that shit s all over, we get this weird ass epilogue wherein Ana asserts that she thinks their in utero daughter likes sex already because she s dancing around in her mother s womb aftersex I guess so There isn t a sex scene, so not only is this remark fucking weird, it s also oddly misplaced Then Christian sucks popsicle off of his son s fingers What is with E.L James and the finger sucking Edit A commenter brought to my attention the fact that there is indeed a sex scene before the aforementioned conversation about the baby liking sex So I double checked and yes, there is a sex scene right before The confusion came about as the direct result of E.L James s inability to maintain a coherent timeline After the epilogue, there s evenpointless drivel The beginning of Fifty Shades of Greyfrom Christian s perspectiveI can hear the collective squee and the panties droppin and it kinda makes me wanna choke a bitch But that s not even the worst of it No, the worst is that it ends right as Christian s leaving the hardware store, and as the narrative comes to a close, the reader is treated to thisThat s allfor nowCan t someone end this Can we take up a collection to just fucking pay her to stop I think one of the best blurbs for this series and this installment in particular would have to be something my older sister said about it after I told her there s a Happily Ever After endingMaybe she ll write a fourth book in which, after having three kids, being isolated, and losing her job, he finally hits her and the cops get called, leading to his arrest She leaves and takes half his damn shit plus child support Cuz after three kids and several years, down there ain t gonna drip at the sight of him anyKimberly BrownHarsh and bitter Perhaps, but that s reality Like I said before, it would be nice if we could have a little realistic fantasy it s not an oxymoron if you know what I m talking about Christian Grey might have been a desirable character if.well, if he weren t Christian Grey.To be honest, I m disappointed in this review I just can t seem to muster the same amount of enthusiasm as before Or even come close All I know is that I tried to write this twice before, but lost it both times due to computer error, and I took that as a sign that I shouldn t over think it Maybe this review reflects the book itself haphazard and drained Whatever the case, the only burst of energy I got during this book was at the end When it was done It should come as no surprise that my reaction when finishing this book was not despondent depression Far from it When I read that last word and knew I could finally, finally walk away from this trilogy, I felt Yeah It was that good It was taking a giant crap after being constipated for a week good Or getting laid for the first time in years good I.felt.so.free The only thing good about the Fifty Shades trilogy is the moment it finally ends Word Count Oh my 52 Crap 46 Jeez 58 Holy shit fuck crap hell cow moses 108 Whoa 14 Gasp 60 Gasps 15 Sharp Intake of Breath 2 Murmur 115 Murmurs 186 Whisper 194 Whispers 190 Mutter 88 Mutters 38 Fifty 67 Lip 51 Inner goddess 33 Subconscious 48Click here for my review of Fifty Shades of GreyClick here for my review of Fifty Shades DarkerClick here for my review of the Fifty Shades Trilogy Sometimes you can just have too much of a good thing I believe one of my GR friends called this book an exhausting melodramatic hot mess Thanks, Amy After having stayed awake until 3 00am to try to push through said mess, I would have to agree I really wanted to love this book When I read Fifty Shades of Grey I was mesmerized I d never read anything like it The story stuck with me for days, and I immediately bought the second book and it was much the same thing There were little hin Sometimes you can just have too much of a good thing I believe one of my GR friends called this book an exhausting melodramatic hot mess Thanks, Amy After having stayed awake until 3 00am to try to push through said mess, I would have to agree I really wanted to love this book When I read Fifty Shades of Grey I was mesmerized I d never read anything like it The story stuck with me for days, and I immediately bought the second book and it was much the same thing There were little hints of things that bothered me in the second book I have a pretty visceral reaction to people in a relationship using the words let as in he let me go out and the second book was peppered with these In the first book, Christian was a Dom, and I expected that from him In the second book Christian had ostensibly let go of that life, and was struggling to let go of his issues with control In this book, he seemed to me to be just an insecure overbearing asshole, who used sex to distract Ana and get her to do what he wanted You know how in some cultures they say they put women on a pedestal, which amounts to stripping them of the ability to express an opinion, to have a say, to be told what s going on and eventually they can t leave the house That s what Christian reminded me of Oh, I m so worried about you, I love you so much, I can t bear to have you out of my sight, don t go to work, it s because I love you so much, you are my whole world, and if you do I ll buy the company and bankrupt it so you won t have a job to go to But it s because I love you so much and I m so afraid something will happen to you Shudders I just wasn t ok with it in this book eta And the hickey thing when they were on their honeymoon Juvenile, petty, mean, vindictive I hated it I would have fucking killed him Fifty s possessiveness, aggressiveness and control issues were getting pretty old by the middle of this story Watching Ana run around constantly trying to discern if he was angry with her, and changing her behaviour to fit his moods was much worse in this book than the second what was vaguely unsettling in Fifty Shades Darker became downright disturbing in Fifty Shades Freed I should do a Kindle search for please don t be mad at me Together with Holy Fuck and I love this man they make up a good portion of the book.And Ana didn t sit much better with me this time around, either Her voice as narrator, which resonated so much with me in the first 2 books, grated on me this time Other reviews complained of how immature she sounds I finally agree Frankly, I got tired of hearing how much she loved this man , this beautiful man , her husband, her Fifty It seemed to me that after 2 books of hearing how she can t believe someone that physically beautiful could love her that it would be toned down a bit To me, it seemed to have been cranked up even higher in this book She doesn t say it to herself as much as she did, but her actions and her words and even the way she thinks of Christian screams it Ohferchrissakes, I remember thinking You let him shave your snatch but you won t PEE in front of him How do you ever expect to build a marriage with him It all seemed so over the top, almost hokey, all surface declarations of this all consuming passionate love and I wasn t really buying it this time around They both seemed desperate, and for each step they took forward, they slid backwards twice as far The epilogue and the HEA were nice, but I felt like it could easily have been an add on to the second book and we could have skipped this one entirely Damn, this could easily turn into a rant Me stop now.Barely 3 stars the cover rounded up the 2.5 I would have given it otherwise Sigh So bummed the series is over Ana and Christian s character evolution throughout the trilogy is unlike any I ve ever seen She started off as a naive, shy college student, while Christian AKA Fifty was a cold, aggressive businessman By the end of Fifty Shades Freed, not only are they closer to one another, but they re alsoconfident in themselves In the final installment of the Fifty Shades series, Ana and Christian are married, but that doesn t mean that it s all roses and sunsh Sigh So bummed the series is over Ana and Christian s character evolution throughout the trilogy is unlike any I ve ever seen She started off as a naive, shy college student, while Christian AKA Fifty was a cold, aggressive businessman By the end of Fifty Shades Freed, not only are they closer to one another, but they re alsoconfident in themselves In the final installment of the Fifty Shades series, Ana and Christian are married, but that doesn t mean that it s all roses and sunshine for the happy couple Not only is there the mystery of trying to find out who s trying to kill them the suspense definitely has its heart pounding moments but the newlyweds are also adjusting to married life and learning evenabout each other There sthan just nail biting suspense, though Of course there s also plenty of spicy bits to go around I mean, c mon, Christian was a Dom when he first met Ana Of course their bedroom and other room scenes are going to sizzle But their sexual interactions are beautifully interwoven with humorous and somber plot points, character arcs, and the infamous email exchange between Ana and Christian love those.After reading Fifty Shades Freed, I kept trying to decide which of the three books I loved best After thoughtful deliberation, I honestly could not come up with a favorite because I love them ALL So much so that gray may be my new favorite color Kidding sort of I received Fifty Shades Freed as a complimentary copy for review from the publisher